Beth thought she should introduce her readership to the backbone and mainstay of Kiwi Society – the Typical Kiwi Bloke. No one epitomises this anthropological icon as much as her good mate Scotty. You don’t get more Southern Man than Scotty, a goat farmer with a place deep in the lush backblocks that surround Whaknga. He’s all gum boots, Watties sauce and ‘harden up’ attitude. No one has more fence posts and No8 wire than Scotty (fence posts and No8 wire are the building blocks of this nation. Sort of like the prims of New Zealand...)
So Beth sharpened her pencils, opened a clean notepad, fired up the barbie and tapped a keg of Diesel beer. The drinking started in earnest and Beth rolled out her incisive journalistic questions...
Beth: So Scotty, these goats. Do they all have bells?
Scotty : Yeah, I fabricated my own bells. And they play ‘god save the queen’ in sequence. Kiwi ingenuity!
Beth: Of course. And rampant boredom, I imagine?
Scotty : Oh yes
Beth: Are you a Whaknga native, or did you come from somewhere else?
Scotty : I was born in Toolongalofa which is south of Whaknga. I’ve lived in Whaknga since I was 8
Beth: Toolongalofa? You get a lot of penguins down there, yes? What’s your favourite?
Scotty : Yeah, the yellow eyed penguins, kinda cute. But in a strange way they always look drunk. Must be the sea spray or something
Beth: And what do they taste like?
Scotty : Chicken, everything tastes like chicken. That’s why we have Watties tomato sauce. Coat anything with Watties and she’s a dream meal
Beth: Talking of traditional tucker – the steak and cheese pie. Explain
Scotty : Oh now ya can’t go past a steak and cheese pie... They all justa Kiwi favourite. Best suited with spud and peas on top.
Beth: : So that's how it should be properly presented? With potato and peas and Watties sauce?
Scotty : That would certainly make me quiver in my gumboots if I had it served like that. Pea, pie and pud.
Beth: pud?
Scotty : Yeah ‘s Kiwi slang for spud. That’s how it’s pronounced. Any Kiwi knows what pea, pie and pud is :)
Beth: Has a woman ever flipped a sausage on your barbeque?Scotty : Ahhh now Doris down the road, she’s flipped ma sausage. Don’t think we were anywhere near the BBQ tho… But generally speaking, no. BBQ is a man’s world. It’s a sin to have a female touch it
Beth: Are there punishments?
Scotty : Yeah, no, yeah, usually turns into a all out tomato sauce / pattie flinging contest. Until she gives up and goes back to making the salads
Beth does her best to take into account that much of New Zealand hasn’t got beyond 1956 yet. Coming from a country where she had her own BBQ, her own utensils and ruled over them as Sizzle Queen, she’s had to make a lot of accommodations. She slyly turns a burger and a couple of onion rings while Scotty is refilling his handle with Diesel.
Scotty : I tell ya, Kiwi BBQ utensils are awesome coz they always extra long and you can fling the patties for miles. Kinda like a re-vamped sling shot for big kids
Beth: Kiwi women – just how scary are they?
Scotty : Overall I think the Kiwi woman is intriguing. The ones here in the bush get down and dirty in their gumboots and sleeves rolled up. So just depends what ya after and where ya looking I guess. Doris, she’s a beauty and me best mate (next to me dog, Spike)
Scotty has drunk half the keg, so is feeling relaxed enough to kick back and go on an extended tale-spin. Yarning is a mainstay of traditional Kiwi culture.
Scotty : I’ve decided that I have to stop treating my two best mates as equals tho. Coz when I call out to Spike “get in behind ya bugga" blow me if it isn’t Doris taking the opportunity to "get in behind"! And geesh, I can’t round up goats when she’s doing that kinda thing! What’s going through her head ??? I wouldn’t mind so much if she turned up sometimes with a sixer of Diesel and a pack of smokes, but sadly she hasn’t mastered that one yet
Beth is still trying to work out just what or whom Doris gets behind when the call goes up, and takes a good swig of Diesel to dispel some of the more disturbing images. Scotty is neglecting his BBQ-rial duties (surprise, surprise) so Beth turns a few more sausages and surreptitiously nudges a couple of dolphin steaks.
Beth: You don’t see many Kiwis living in ‘proper’ houses (ie made out of brick, concrete, steel-and-glass). So where are you living at the moment?
Scotty : Mate, the tool shed is the only place for a real Kiwi. Fridge, bed and power cord, what more do I want? Be lucky to swing a cat in it, but low cost in heating and takes two secs to clean
Beth: You clean???
Scotty : Ok you got me. I open the door and kick it outside. It’s windy here, so I have that advantage - kinda like a outdoor vacuum cleaner
Beth: So are you paying anyone money for this? Or did you just sneak in one night like a proper Kiwi?
Scotty : Sshhhh! Keep ya voice down!
Beth: Do you have a hobbit-problem round your way?
Scotty : Yeah, no, yeah, but luckily the hardware store supplies endless amounts of duct tape - so I just tape them to the roof of the shed. And I will say, farrrrr better than pink batts (note to SLers – a proprietary brand of insulation. They are batts, they are pink. That’s enough for a Kiwi)
Beth: Do they make a lot of noise?
Scotty : Not with their mouths wired closed, no. Ahhhh, the many uses of No8 wire... Hang on – I gotta shake the snake
While Scotty disappeared off to use the long drop, Beth just had time to suitably adjust every item on the grill and plant an innocent look on her face before he came back.
Beth: Do you own a pair of long trousers?
Scotty : Had some beige ones once when the NZ cricket team were playing Aussie. But after we lost I went back to shorts and black singlet
Beth: With or without gumboots?
Scotty : shakes head in disbelief With gumboots, geeesh!
Beth: OK - at what temperature might you give in and put on long trousers?
Scotty : Well there was a moment back in ‘97 when it got to -8C where I decided I might aim to start a fashion trend and put some long-johns on under me shorts. But to be honest, it didn’t last long coz the wool just clinged to it and it was a bitch to clean
Beth: So, how long is your rod?
Scotty : It’s not the size of the rod that matters. It’s what ya can catch on it
Beth: And what sort of harpoon gun are you using at present?
Scotty : Made one up out of puhutakawa tree, duct tape, the spring from the inside of a BIC pen, No8 wire of course and cheese cloth. Macgyver eat ya heart out
Beth: And what's your favourite way to lure and kill dolphins?
Scotty : Oh those angry buggas .... I find dangling the nephews over the boat does it
Beth: Don't your nephews mind?
Scotty : Nah. I told them it’s a game, and if they behave maybe by christmas I’ll buy them a x-box
Beth: Kiwis are known for their constant search to find wilder and more interesting ways to kill themselves – what extreme sports are you currently pursuing?Scotty : Well I tried bunjee-ing off the bucket on the tractor. But after I broke both legs I thought bugga that jimmy. So latest events have lead me to strapping a board to the back of two bulls and pretending I’m surfing in Hawaii. I know, I know - it’s not the same. But we have to make do with what we got
Beth: What is your ancestral make-up like? Any Maori?
Scotty : Umm, well... mum did say she got around. So not sure if that was like, country to country or what. So I’m gonna say I’m all Kiwi
Beth: So bit of English, Scots, Irish and Dalmatian?
Scotty : Yes, something like that
(People from Dalmatia (now part of present-day Croatia) started arriving in New Zealand in the 1880s. Tho knowing Scotty’s mother, Beth wouldn’t be surprised if canines were involved)
Beth: Ford or Holden?
Scotty : Well, I’m going with Ford for that cause my Holden ute is stuck in 4foot of mud and I don’t wanna get my Ford tractor dirty getting it out
Beth: League or Union?
Scotty : I’m a Union man
Beth: Marmite or Vegemite?
Scotty : Is that a real question? Do people even buy marmite? Vegemite all the way, washed down with a L&P if it’s before 11am
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7rHZpwuWds – and nothing has changed for Scotty)
Beth: You’re not a typical Kiwi Bloke because I’ve managed to get more than two words out of you in a week. Do you think Kiwi Blokes are at a genetic disadvantage in SL – a world where text is highly important?
Scotty : Nah
.......... The dolphin steaks were looking just perfect. Beth's fingers were twitching towards the two-foot long spatula.
Beth: Given that each day arrives in NZ before just about everyone else –how do SLers tend to react when they find out you live in the future?
Scotty : Oh it’s great! This year I managed to have five New Year Eve parties, so I’m stoked... If only I could convince people that I can sell them lucky lotto numbers - I'd be set
Beth: What sort of people do you find sharing your timezone most of the time?
Scotty : Those Aussie buggas mainly. Works out good - they only two hours behind, so overall it’s easy for me to remember what the hell time it is...
Beth: Any advice to Kiwis coming to play on SL?
Scotty : Hmmmm. Stay positive, and remember - laughter is the best medicine
Beth: I thought medicine was the best medicine?
Scotty : No, that’s overrated
Beth: Any advice to people who meet Kiwis in SL?
Scotty : Yep, we are unique. Don’t let them Aussie’s tell ya any different. Kiwis are kind, gentle and fun. Don’t think otherwise. Hey, ya bloody joker – get away from that sausage!
Scotty was ropeable. An undignified tussle ensued over the disputed spatula and degenerated into a full-out drunken brawl. Scotty claimed there was no argument, he’s male, the utensils were HIS. Beth contended that he couldn’t flip a sausage to save his life. Several bonzer punches were landed, the chilly bin went flying and the Pavlova ended up in the next paddock. When things settled down, they scoffed what remained of the edible food and headed down to the Wool Shed pub to meet Sid, Charlie, Doris and the rest of the crowd. A large jug of Diesel was waiting for them on the table. Altogether a typically enjoyable day in lovely Whaknga. Sweet as…!
This post is dedicated to Telc Woorunner - you're hard case mate, and no mistake!
No comments:
Post a Comment