Episode 65 - Beth Squares Her Sturdy Shoulders

Beth has been knocking about in SL a fair while now. Long enough, it seems, to have acquired a social service role. Maybe it’s the fact that her Operator gave her such a sturdy pair of shoulders. Maybe it is the Victorian-Transvestite-look that makes avatars feel Beth is approachable, trustworthy, stolid even. Whatever it is, she has been attracting a certain type of attention these last few months. Male avatars like to bring their relationship troubles to her – and unload.

This has happened three times so far in the last three months. And the process seems to have an ‘ongoing’ quality to it that has prompted Beth to instruct her Operator to compose a notecard. Just so everyone knows where they stand and how things are going to progress, efficiently, and with the minimum of fuss. The notecard reads as follows:

OK – so let me tell you what will happen

Beth will be minding her own business, riding a camel or playing with a clockwork gadget for example, when you Instant Message her

You will say “Hi Beth! Haven’t seen you in AGES. How have you been?”
Beth will recognise the signs straight away and offer to teleport to your location

You will be very pleased to see Beth and will chat inanely and far too breezily for a while

Beth will be in the middle of a tale about her latest visit to an atmospheric Noir-esque sim that she thinks you are actually interested in when…

You will blurt out suddenly that your relationship is over, she has found someone else and you intend to make a clean break of it with your pride and resolve intact

Beth, calmly and believably, assures you that this is entirely possible and spends some time examining you options in a chummy and upbeat manner. Until…

You break down in a messy puddle of disintegrating self-esteem and blub all over Beth about your lost love and aching heart

Beth squares her sturdy shoulders, slips in the extra-absorbent padding and allows you to let rip

You will bang on for some time about the Goddess-like qualities of the woman of your dreams and bewail the fact that you will never again find anyone so perfectly attuned or sublimely glorious

Beth will soak up your distress like a sponge, while attempting to rebuild your ego pixel by pixel

You will cheer up no end after a good hour of stroking and reassurance, and come to believe that Beth is a wonderful avatar and your best friend in SL

Beth is now at liberty to move on to sarcasm and mickey-taking as a sure-fire therapeutic tool (as much for herself as for you)

Flushed with bonhomie, you will invite Beth out dancing

Beth will accept, as taking advantage of vulnerable avatars is the only way she ever gets to hit the parquet with a (vaguely) willing partner

You will spend a very pleasant evening handing over responsibility for the dance moves to Beth

Beth will entertain and amuse you by trashing all the other people in the dance hall over IM

Occasionally something will remind you of your lost love and broken heart and you will begin to crumble

Beth will use all her powers of wit, distraction and verbal alacrity to spare her shoulders another drenching. And if all else fails she will poke you with her Big Stick until you break free of this mawkish interlude

You will grapple your ego back into shape, a little stronger and bit more resolute each time

Beth will tread on your feet and crash you into pillars

You will find this fantastically funny by comparison to the break-up you have just been through. You will eventually start to flirt with Beth

Beth will resist you dutifully and valiantly

You will start to get suggestive

Beth will resist you dutifully and valiantly

You will appreciate this, as you don’t really fancy her, but it’s ego-stoking and nice and safe to ‘keep your hand in’ with your mate Beth

Beth will allow herself to wonder what cyber sex with an attractive avatar like yourself would actually be like, but will resign herself to the fact it ain’t ever gonna happen

Over the next few days, weeks or months you will recover your self-esteem and feel much better about SL and your place in it

Beth will be there to chat with, take you to sims you’ve never been to before and resiliently deflect your flirting assaults

After however many days, weeks or months, you will meet a hot and obliging female avatar and fall head over heels in love

Beth will continue to IM you and try to drag you out to an underwater adventure sim or a Jack the Ripper mystery quest

You will become slightly annoyed by Beth’s intrusions and resent the fact that she is impinging on time that could be spent with this new and heavenly creature, but you won’t actually say anything to Beth…

Eventually Beth will cotton on and realise that playtime with the good-looking avatar has come to an end

You will forget all about Beth, the fun times, the flirting and the absorbent shoulder pads as you plunge head-first into a romantic and carnal wonderland

Beth will not be invited to the wedding

You will ride the crest of an exhilarating, heart-stopping, demented infatuation; enjoying every pixilated wonder of a SL love affair at full emotional tilt. You will be a lion, a corsair, a super hero. You will have everything you ever wanted. More than you ever dreamed of. A sexual cacophony of wild, reckless, all-consuming passion. Until one day…

Beth will be minding her own business, riding in an airship or playing with a hiding bush for example, when you IM her

You will say “Hi Beth! Haven’t seen you in AGES. How have you been?”…

Notecard ends

My colossal thanks and love to my muses, inspirations and models – you know who you are :-)