Episode 65 - Beth Squares Her Sturdy Shoulders

Beth has been knocking about in SL a fair while now. Long enough, it seems, to have acquired a social service role. Maybe it’s the fact that her Operator gave her such a sturdy pair of shoulders. Maybe it is the Victorian-Transvestite-look that makes avatars feel Beth is approachable, trustworthy, stolid even. Whatever it is, she has been attracting a certain type of attention these last few months. Male avatars like to bring their relationship troubles to her – and unload.

This has happened three times so far in the last three months. And the process seems to have an ‘ongoing’ quality to it that has prompted Beth to instruct her Operator to compose a notecard. Just so everyone knows where they stand and how things are going to progress, efficiently, and with the minimum of fuss. The notecard reads as follows:

OK – so let me tell you what will happen

Beth will be minding her own business, riding a camel or playing with a clockwork gadget for example, when you Instant Message her

You will say “Hi Beth! Haven’t seen you in AGES. How have you been?”
Beth will recognise the signs straight away and offer to teleport to your location

You will be very pleased to see Beth and will chat inanely and far too breezily for a while

Beth will be in the middle of a tale about her latest visit to an atmospheric Noir-esque sim that she thinks you are actually interested in when…

You will blurt out suddenly that your relationship is over, she has found someone else and you intend to make a clean break of it with your pride and resolve intact

Beth, calmly and believably, assures you that this is entirely possible and spends some time examining you options in a chummy and upbeat manner. Until…

You break down in a messy puddle of disintegrating self-esteem and blub all over Beth about your lost love and aching heart

Beth squares her sturdy shoulders, slips in the extra-absorbent padding and allows you to let rip

You will bang on for some time about the Goddess-like qualities of the woman of your dreams and bewail the fact that you will never again find anyone so perfectly attuned or sublimely glorious

Beth will soak up your distress like a sponge, while attempting to rebuild your ego pixel by pixel

You will cheer up no end after a good hour of stroking and reassurance, and come to believe that Beth is a wonderful avatar and your best friend in SL

Beth is now at liberty to move on to sarcasm and mickey-taking as a sure-fire therapeutic tool (as much for herself as for you)

Flushed with bonhomie, you will invite Beth out dancing

Beth will accept, as taking advantage of vulnerable avatars is the only way she ever gets to hit the parquet with a (vaguely) willing partner

You will spend a very pleasant evening handing over responsibility for the dance moves to Beth

Beth will entertain and amuse you by trashing all the other people in the dance hall over IM

Occasionally something will remind you of your lost love and broken heart and you will begin to crumble

Beth will use all her powers of wit, distraction and verbal alacrity to spare her shoulders another drenching. And if all else fails she will poke you with her Big Stick until you break free of this mawkish interlude

You will grapple your ego back into shape, a little stronger and bit more resolute each time

Beth will tread on your feet and crash you into pillars

You will find this fantastically funny by comparison to the break-up you have just been through. You will eventually start to flirt with Beth

Beth will resist you dutifully and valiantly

You will start to get suggestive

Beth will resist you dutifully and valiantly

You will appreciate this, as you don’t really fancy her, but it’s ego-stoking and nice and safe to ‘keep your hand in’ with your mate Beth

Beth will allow herself to wonder what cyber sex with an attractive avatar like yourself would actually be like, but will resign herself to the fact it ain’t ever gonna happen

Over the next few days, weeks or months you will recover your self-esteem and feel much better about SL and your place in it

Beth will be there to chat with, take you to sims you’ve never been to before and resiliently deflect your flirting assaults

After however many days, weeks or months, you will meet a hot and obliging female avatar and fall head over heels in love

Beth will continue to IM you and try to drag you out to an underwater adventure sim or a Jack the Ripper mystery quest

You will become slightly annoyed by Beth’s intrusions and resent the fact that she is impinging on time that could be spent with this new and heavenly creature, but you won’t actually say anything to Beth…

Eventually Beth will cotton on and realise that playtime with the good-looking avatar has come to an end

You will forget all about Beth, the fun times, the flirting and the absorbent shoulder pads as you plunge head-first into a romantic and carnal wonderland

Beth will not be invited to the wedding

You will ride the crest of an exhilarating, heart-stopping, demented infatuation; enjoying every pixilated wonder of a SL love affair at full emotional tilt. You will be a lion, a corsair, a super hero. You will have everything you ever wanted. More than you ever dreamed of. A sexual cacophony of wild, reckless, all-consuming passion. Until one day…

Beth will be minding her own business, riding in an airship or playing with a hiding bush for example, when you IM her

You will say “Hi Beth! Haven’t seen you in AGES. How have you been?”…

Notecard ends

My colossal thanks and love to my muses, inspirations and models – you know who you are :-)

Episode 64 Beth Looks for Love

Given Beth’s recent dating disasters, she was seriously considering buying some love and attention. Why not? You can buy absolutely anything in Second Life (as Seth has previously discovered in Episode 58) – usually in a variety of colours. So why not a companion for love and attention? Yup – it was time to look for a pet. (OK – so if you want Beth’s assessment of Escort Services in SL you can send her the landmarks. And the $Ls. But until then…) Beth’s friend J suggested a pet to her. J too had decided that she was over guys for a while and had recently acquired a large purple lobster that swims around her at chin-height. Lobby has the huge advantage of not having the foggiest concept of how SL skirts can make your bum look twice as big as it really is, and wouldn’t dream of mentioning the fact anyway. Lobby can also listen for hours and doesn’t have the equipment to make smart mouth-part comments. J loves Lobby and would recommend a pet to anyone.

Beth ended up at XD Fusion in Shawangunk. They have a small but devastatingly cute collection of tiny animated animals to wear on your shoulder. The Mean Little Kitten is pure, fluffy evil; the delirious-to-see-you puppy is almost vomit-inducingly endearing; the sleepy hamster will sometimes float around your head on a balloon and the bunny with the top hat does magic tricks. Beth was in that shop for quite some time. Mainly putting the poor furry critters through their paces to the point of exhaustion while she tried to choose between them. Partly to give herself time to decide whether the $L500 price tag was worth it – given Beth’s notoriously short attention span and ludicrously low-boredom threshold. Just how many times could she watch a rabbit pull a carrot out of a hat before wanting to shove it up its bum? Is having a hamster working out on its wheel for 30 seconds then sleeping for the next three hours a good visual for a business meeting – or just a bit naff? Ever cautious about parting with money, Beth perused the freebie wall first (where she discovered a skeleton top hat with seven emotive animations that is absolutely ideal for formal staff meetings and is bound to go down a treat!) before wandering off through the next-door garden to think on it.

The Squeaksters Garden sim is great – full of cartoon avatars, garishly coloured flora and monstrous toadstools. Beth sat down by a pond and watched the ducks (yes indeed, gentle reader, she didn’t fall in and frighten them off – she actually sat down like a normal avatar) Beth liked the ducks. They were bright yellow. They swam in regular patterns, sticking to their territory. They quacked appreciatively when she threw them the corners of her dolphin steak sandwich (Beth always has one stashed in the voluminous pockets of her Victorian frockcoat – just in case) Loyal, friendly rubber ducks. Anatis Bathian. Little beasties that float on water and might actually delight in her company if she accidently joined them – rather than mock her hydrophilliac disabilities. Now there was a pet Beth could get her head around. After a brief discussion about terms and conditions, four or five had agreed to head back to Beth’s place for a trial run, and climbed inside the frockcoat.

Bulging slightly and grinning widely, Beth continued her stroll around the garden. She was checking out a pile of enormous acorns and considering the size of the squirrel with nuts like that, when she received an Instant Message.
D: Hello Mistress
B: Hello?
D: I saw you out walking. I like walking! I thought I’d say hi

Beth clicked on D’s profile. A furry muzzle grinned from the photo box. The description said simply “Puppy. Loves to play!”

B: Oh! Are you a dog avatar?
D: Yes, Mistress. A quad dog. May I come over?
Beth was struck by how charming and friendly this chap was, and certainly thought he warranted further investigation
B: Sure! I’m over by the acorn pile

Moments later a white and grey bundle came bounding over, all furry paws, wagging tail and lolling tongue. Beth has no idea about Real Life dog breeds, D could be shaped liked a dachshund or a corgi for all she knows. All she noticed was that he was a ‘proper’ dog shape – not some 6ft bruiser of a bloke with big teeth and doggie breath walking upright on two legs. D looked adorable and was cute as a button. She was taken with him straight away.
B: My! You ARE a sweetie! May I pet you?
D: Oh, yes please Mistress! I’d like that
Beth scritched D behind the ear and he instantly flopped onto his back with his legs in the air, letting her tickle his tummy. Beth thought this was already heaps better than a crummy hamster. D thrashed around in ecstatic delight, his tail beating the ground like a metronome on speed.
D: Do you want to be my Mistress, Mistress?
B: Well, funny you should say that D. I am actually at this very moment in the market for a pet... Do you do tricks?
D: Oh YES, Mistress! I do LOTS of tricks!
D sprang onto all four feet again
D: Just click on my collar – you’ll see everything you can make me do

Beth dutifully selected his collar and clicked. She was dumbfounded. She had never seen so many options in a menu. They went on for page after page. There were animations, poses, commands. There were buttons she couldn’t fathom at all. What did all these do?
D: Would you like to leash me, Mistress?
Well, that seemed an entirely appropriate request for a dog to make. Beth scrolled. And scrolled. And scrolled. She was starting to panic. She found something marked ‘lesha’ and wondered if it was a typo – so clicked on it. No doggie-guiding device appeared. Next she tried a commands button. Her entire screen filled with green type. She was blind for a full minute – profusely apologising to D in local chat about the mishap. Oh dear – as usual, Beth was making a complete hash of things technological. To add to the embarrassment and confusion, Beth’s mate J IM-ed to say she had just tracked her down on the map and was sorry to be so late, had she found a pet yet? Beth told her to come on over, but she was in the middle of a bit of a ‘situation’.

J is used to Beth’s misadventures, so gamely offered to help out if necessary. She strolled over and found Beth trying to attach a quite unnecessarily weighty chain to a fluffy dog’s neck
B: Oh hi, J. Meet D. He’s my new pet!
J: Er... Hi D. Did Beth get you from the pet shop?
D: Oh no, Mistress! We just found each other!
B: Hey J, I’m having all sorts of bother with D’s collar. I really can’t understand the half of it. What’s ‘nadu’?
J gulped audibly and mouthed the word “Gorean”. Beth stared back blankly.
J: Er... You really have no idea, do you Beth?
Beth smiled sweetly and tried to look far more competent than she knows she is.
J gave a D a piercing stare. D scratched himself behind the ear with his back leg and winked broadly
D: Mistress has lovely shiny boots, doesn’t She?
J: Grrrrrr!
D: Would Mistress like me to clean Your boots for You?
J: Um Beth. Did you notice there is prim leak on your balcony? I saw it just as I left your place.
B: A what...? A prim leak? I was just going to take D for a little walk in those trees. Um. Is it serious?
J: I think it might be! Er... that’s why I came to find you. Perhaps you’d better get home straight away
B: Oh – I’m really sorry D! I have to go. Can I offer you friendship and IM you later?
D: Oh yes, Mistress! I’ll be waiting...!

Reluctantly, Beth leaves her new friend and heads home. The prim leak appears to have stopped, and J promises to make sure it won’t happen again (being the technical one) She helps Beth fill her jacuzzi with yellow rubber ducks - where they swim happily and play with the steam and bubble options. Finally Beth is getting some use out of the thing, and she is already reaping the rewards in terms of quacky love and attention. Now she is off to look up ‘nadu’ and ‘gorean’ in the SL wiki to find out just what sort of fun and games she has signed up for with her new doggie friend. Ah yes, forget trying to date human avatars – way too complicated and fraught with danger. Beth is looking forward to the simple pleasures of puppy love. Perhaps she has finally found true happiness in Second Life. We shall see…

SLers Guide to NZers – Yer Typical Kiwi Bloke

http://ees.net.nz/tools/kiwislang.htm - might help in the reading of this article!

Beth thought she should introduce her readership to the backbone and mainstay of Kiwi Society – the Typical Kiwi Bloke. No one epitomises this anthropological icon as much as her good mate Scotty. You don’t get more Southern Man than Scotty, a goat farmer with a place deep in the lush backblocks that surround Whaknga. He’s all gum boots, Watties sauce and ‘harden up’ attitude. No one has more fence posts and No8 wire than Scotty (fence posts and No8 wire are the building blocks of this nation. Sort of like the prims of New Zealand...)

So Beth sharpened her pencils, opened a clean notepad, fired up the barbie and tapped a keg of Diesel beer. The drinking started in earnest and Beth rolled out her incisive journalistic questions...

Beth: So Scotty, these goats. Do they all have bells?
Scotty : Yeah, I fabricated my own bells. And they play ‘god save the queen’ in sequence. Kiwi ingenuity!
Beth: Of course. And rampant boredom, I imagine?
Scotty : Oh yes

Beth: Are you a Whaknga native, or did you come from somewhere else?
Scotty : I was born in Toolongalofa which is south of Whaknga. I’ve lived in Whaknga since I was 8

Beth: Toolongalofa? You get a lot of penguins down there, yes? What’s your favourite?
Scotty : Yeah, the yellow eyed penguins, kinda cute. But in a strange way they always look drunk. Must be the sea spray or something

Beth: And what do they taste like?
Scotty : Chicken, everything tastes like chicken. That’s why we have Watties tomato sauce. Coat anything with Watties and she’s a dream meal

Beth: Talking of traditional tucker – the steak and cheese pie. Explain
Scotty : Oh now ya can’t go past a steak and cheese pie... They all justa Kiwi favourite. Best suited with spud and peas on top.
Beth: : So that's how it should be properly presented? With potato and peas and Watties sauce?
Scotty : That would certainly make me quiver in my gumboots if I had it served like that. Pea, pie and pud.
Beth: pud?
Scotty : Yeah ‘s Kiwi slang for spud. That’s how it’s pronounced. Any Kiwi knows what pea, pie and pud is :)

Beth: Has a woman ever flipped a sausage on your barbeque?
Scotty : Ahhh now Doris down the road, she’s flipped ma sausage. Don’t think we were anywhere near the BBQ tho… But generally speaking, no. BBQ is a man’s world. It’s a sin to have a female touch it
Beth: Are there punishments?
Scotty : Yeah, no, yeah, usually turns into a all out tomato sauce / pattie flinging contest. Until she gives up and goes back to making the salads

Beth does her best to take into account that much of New Zealand hasn’t got beyond 1956 yet. Coming from a country where she had her own BBQ, her own utensils and ruled over them as Sizzle Queen, she’s had to make a lot of accommodations. She slyly turns a burger and a couple of onion rings while Scotty is refilling his handle with Diesel.
Scotty : I tell ya, Kiwi BBQ utensils are awesome coz they always extra long and you can fling the patties for miles. Kinda like a re-vamped sling shot for big kids

Beth: Kiwi women – just how scary are they?
Scotty : Overall I think the Kiwi woman is intriguing. The ones here in the bush get down and dirty in their gumboots and sleeves rolled up. So just depends what ya after and where ya looking I guess. Doris, she’s a beauty and me best mate (next to me dog, Spike)

Scotty has drunk half the keg, so is feeling relaxed enough to kick back and go on an extended tale-spin. Yarning is a mainstay of traditional Kiwi culture.
Scotty : I’ve decided that I have to stop treating my two best mates as equals tho. Coz when I call out to Spike “get in behind ya bugga" blow me if it isn’t Doris taking the opportunity to "get in behind"! And geesh, I can’t round up goats when she’s doing that kinda thing! What’s going through her head ??? I wouldn’t mind so much if she turned up sometimes with a sixer of Diesel and a pack of smokes, but sadly she hasn’t mastered that one yet

Beth is still trying to work out just what or whom Doris gets behind when the call goes up, and takes a good swig of Diesel to dispel some of the more disturbing images. Scotty is neglecting his BBQ-rial duties (surprise, surprise) so Beth turns a few more sausages and surreptitiously nudges a couple of dolphin steaks.

Beth: You don’t see many Kiwis living in ‘proper’ houses (ie made out of brick, concrete, steel-and-glass). So where are you living at the moment?
Scotty : Mate, the tool shed is the only place for a real Kiwi. Fridge, bed and power cord, what more do I want? Be lucky to swing a cat in it, but low cost in heating and takes two secs to clean
Beth: You clean???
Scotty : Ok you got me. I open the door and kick it outside. It’s windy here, so I have that advantage - kinda like a outdoor vacuum cleaner
Beth: So are you paying anyone money for this? Or did you just sneak in one night like a proper Kiwi?
Scotty : Sshhhh! Keep ya voice down!

Beth: Do you have a hobbit-problem round your way?
Scotty : Yeah, no, yeah, but luckily the hardware store supplies endless amounts of duct tape - so I just tape them to the roof of the shed. And I will say, farrrrr better than pink batts (note to SLers – a proprietary brand of insulation. They are batts, they are pink. That’s enough for a Kiwi)
Beth: Do they make a lot of noise?
Scotty : Not with their mouths wired closed, no. Ahhhh, the many uses of No8 wire... Hang on – I gotta shake the snake
While Scotty disappeared off to use the long drop, Beth just had time to suitably adjust every item on the grill and plant an innocent look on her face before he came back.

Beth: Do you own a pair of long trousers?
Scotty : Had some beige ones once when the NZ cricket team were playing Aussie. But after we lost I went back to shorts and black singlet
Beth: With or without gumboots?
Scotty : shakes head in disbelief With gumboots, geeesh!

Beth: OK - at what temperature might you give in and put on long trousers?
Scotty : Well there was a moment back in ‘97 when it got to -8C where I decided I might aim to start a fashion trend and put some long-johns on under me shorts. But to be honest, it didn’t last long coz the wool just clinged to it and it was a bitch to clean

Beth: So, how long is your rod?
Scotty : It’s not the size of the rod that matters. It’s what ya can catch on it

Beth: And what sort of harpoon gun are you using at present?
Scotty : Made one up out of puhutakawa tree, duct tape, the spring from the inside of a BIC pen, No8 wire of course and cheese cloth. Macgyver eat ya heart out

Beth: And what's your favourite way to lure and kill dolphins?
Scotty : Oh those angry buggas .... I find dangling the nephews over the boat does it
Beth: Don't your nephews mind?
Scotty : Nah. I told them it’s a game, and if they behave maybe by christmas I’ll buy them a x-box

Beth: Kiwis are known for their constant search to find wilder and more interesting ways to kill themselves – what extreme sports are you currently pursuing?
Scotty : Well I tried bunjee-ing off the bucket on the tractor. But after I broke both legs I thought bugga that jimmy. So latest events have lead me to strapping a board to the back of two bulls and pretending I’m surfing in Hawaii. I know, I know - it’s not the same. But we have to make do with what we got

Beth: What is your ancestral make-up like? Any Maori?
Scotty : Umm, well... mum did say she got around. So not sure if that was like, country to country or what. So I’m gonna say I’m all Kiwi
Beth: So bit of English, Scots, Irish and Dalmatian?
Scotty : Yes, something like that
(People from Dalmatia (now part of present-day Croatia) started arriving in New Zealand in the 1880s. Tho knowing Scotty’s mother, Beth wouldn’t be surprised if canines were involved)

Beth: Ford or Holden?
Scotty : Well, I’m going with Ford for that cause my Holden ute is stuck in 4foot of mud and I don’t wanna get my Ford tractor dirty getting it out
Beth: League or Union?
Scotty : I’m a Union man
Beth: Marmite or Vegemite?
Scotty : Is that a real question? Do people even buy marmite? Vegemite all the way, washed down with a L&P if it’s before 11am
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7rHZpwuWds – and nothing has changed for Scotty)

Beth: You’re not a typical Kiwi Bloke because I’ve managed to get more than two words out of you in a week. Do you think Kiwi Blokes are at a genetic disadvantage in SL – a world where text is highly important?
Scotty : Nah

.......... The dolphin steaks were looking just perfect. Beth's fingers were twitching towards the two-foot long spatula.

Beth: Given that each day arrives in NZ before just about everyone else –how do SLers tend to react when they find out you live in the future?
Scotty : Oh it’s great! This year I managed to have five New Year Eve parties, so I’m stoked... If only I could convince people that I can sell them lucky lotto numbers - I'd be set

Beth: What sort of people do you find sharing your timezone most of the time?
Scotty : Those Aussie buggas mainly. Works out good - they only two hours behind, so overall it’s easy for me to remember what the hell time it is...

Beth: Any advice to Kiwis coming to play on SL?
Scotty : Hmmmm. Stay positive, and remember - laughter is the best medicine
Beth: I thought medicine was the best medicine?
Scotty : No, that’s overrated

Beth: Any advice to people who meet Kiwis in SL?
Scotty : Yep, we are unique. Don’t let them Aussie’s tell ya any different. Kiwis are kind, gentle and fun. Don’t think otherwise. Hey, ya bloody joker – get away from that sausage!

Scotty was ropeable. An undignified tussle ensued over the disputed spatula and degenerated into a full-out drunken brawl. Scotty claimed there was no argument, he’s male, the utensils were HIS. Beth contended that he couldn’t flip a sausage to save his life. Several bonzer punches were landed, the chilly bin went flying and the Pavlova ended up in the next paddock. When things settled down, they scoffed what remained of the edible food and headed down to the Wool Shed pub to meet Sid, Charlie, Doris and the rest of the crowd. A large jug of Diesel was waiting for them on the table. Altogether a typically enjoyable day in lovely Whaknga. Sweet as…!

This post is dedicated to Telc Woorunner - you're hard case mate, and no mistake!

Episode 63 - Beth Mutes Her First Troll

Troll: someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages with the primary intent of provoking other users into a desired emotional response

As regular readers will know – Beth’s Operator does her utmost to keep a healthy distance between her avatars and herself. And mostly that works just fine. But sometimes that distance collapses, and then boy, can things get icky. When they did, Beth went straight to a friend, who runs a training business in the real world and SL. He specializes in communication and negotiation. And has some excellent advice for dealing with difficult people – in particular how to communicate well during online interactions. So forget subtlety – here’s a full-on analysis and debrief for the next time it happens to you. OK kiddies, let the case study commence…

It started off so well. Beth was Instant Messaged by a fellow writer who had snooped her profile and got in touch. They found common interests, including certain writers, roleplaying and not suffering fools gladly. They complimented each other on their spelling and typing prowess (which always goes down well with people with literary pretentions!) There was a little too much probing into Real Life information for Beth’s liking. But she managed to skirt around issues such as age and gender, and asked about groups he’d listed in his profile – especially the Para-writers.

Beth was feeling relaxed enough to play the ‘guess where you’re typing from’ game based on timezones. It’s usually harmless enough. They worked out that he was in the UK and she in New Zealand. Beth was still trying to steer the topic of conversation onto something more SL-related, when the guy threw in a comment about a recent high-profile RL re-trial that had a New Zealander released from prison after 13 years when the Privy Council quashed his conviction. Beth’s Operator has a real aversion to injustice and had followed the retrial with great interest. Which is probably why she got ‘hooked’ by the following comments.

He says: I was actually just reading about your David Bain. I think he did it, personally. Interesting case, but I hope to God he doesn't get compensation
Beth’s thinks: That’s pretty harsh, and what does it matter what you think personally anyway? The guy was found ‘not guilty’

Beth’s Operator doesn’t want to be dragged into RL conversation but she knows that Beth is keen to share some ‘on the ground’ information with someone who perhaps doesn’t know as much about the topic as she does.
She says: Oh - it’s a shame it’s being reported that way outside NZ

Negotiator:
This starts off OK conversation-wise. He expressed personal opinion – nothing wrong with that. Beth’s Operator expresses personal opinion back. But if this guy was ‘trolling’ – then you took the bait. If you’d wanted to shut the conversation down at this point you could have said “Actually, this is back to RL conversation – I’d rather talk about SL”


He says: To me, it seems pretty clear that he did it
She says: Absolutely not. There was a miscarriage of justice
He says: Not true.
Beth’s thinks: Not true!!! Whaddya mean, not true? The Privy Council said there was a miscarriage of justice and then he was found not guilty in the High Court! How that’s ‘not true’?

Negotiator:
You’ve been hooked. And you are now in an arm wrestle – you’re talking in counterpoints. If you’d wanted to move on from this deadlock you could have asked probing questions to see if he had an opinion with a rationale or was just making a provocative statement, for example “what evidence have you seen, I’d be interested”


He says: Hold on, let me find you a brilliant article. It'll certainly make you think
Beth’s thinks: Well, this had better be something spectacular matey, cos I don’t usually need someone to point out when I should think about something

Beth’s Operator clicked on the link and saw the article in question. It was one of several that came out after the trial rehashing the worst kind of Talk Back Radio speculation, attacking the evidence, the jurors and also Bain himself. A successful libel action put a stop to the worst of this nastiness. She felt disappointment, and knew Beth wanted to ‘put him right’.
She says: Yeah - I read that one. There were a few others like it at the time. Nasty sensationalist stuff

Negotiator:
You fell into a common trap here – you used a bald assertion instead of an assertive ‘I’ statement, effectively fuelling the argument. To keep it as a conversation you could have said “to me they seemed nasty and sensationalist” as talking about your own thoughts and feelings is less provocative than asserting ‘facts’ about the world.


He says: Sensationalizing? Umm...a whole family, gunned to death, that's pretty sensational.
Beth’s thinks: Hmmm. This guy doesn’t seem to understand the difference between newsworthy and sensationalizing’

Negotiator:
He’s used a passive-aggressive response to hook you away from the point you were trying to make. Now, passive-aggressive can be fun – but generally it’s used to prolong an argument. To move on from this you could have tried to bring the conversation back to your point eg “Yes, it was tragic and I thought the article was sensationalist rather than factual”


He says: I don't think you read the article or else you don't know what "sensationalize" means. You may not agree with it but if you say that article is "sensational", you're either ignorant or stupid or you didn't read it.
Beth’s thinks: Youch! Did he just call me ignorant and stupid and accuse me of being deliberately uninformed?

Beth’s Operator is starting to feel real anger now. This hasn’t happened in SL before. Her first reaction is to want to defend herself.
She says: Wow! That's one heck of an assumption you just made there fella! Honestly - I read a lot of articles all through the trial. 90% were balanced

Negotiator:
Ah – now you’ve just given your own passive-aggressive response! This is now a jousting match that you want to win. What you could have said was: “Listen, if this has descended into trading insults, then we need to end this now”. This is assertive not aggressive.


He says: Ah, "sensationalized" doesn't mean "unbalanced". That's a different issue. No, wait. You used a word wrongly, yes?
Beth’s thinks: You wanker! What sort of logic is this? Are you taking in anything I’m writing here, or just looking for ways to score points?

In her heart, Beth’s Operator knows she should be stopping this conversation right now. But her sense of injustice has been hooked. She feels an overwhelming urge to ‘correct’ him. Like a fool she gives in to it.
She says: You think I used a word wrongly? Which one?

Negotiator:
Ah, now – he’s ‘called you’ on introducing a new word. Then he goes on to state your ‘wrongness’ as a fact, not a personal perspective. She didn’t need to, but I’m guessing Beth insisted on wading into an argument about word use here (gives a meaningful look – Beth says, “who me?”) There was actually nothing wrong with the statement you made, you asked for clarification.


He says: Do you truly think that something is "sensationalized", simply because you don't agree with it? Then you have poor reading skills, don't listen to me, and you don't accept your mistakes.
Beth’s thinks: Now THAT is personal. Where is the evidence that I can’t read, am not paying attention and especially that I have even made a mistake?

Beth’s Operator is reacting physically to the conversation now (another first for SL). She’s tingling, her palms are sweaty and she’s feeling slightly nauseous. But having knocked around the planet for a fair few years, she recognizes ‘fight or flight’ when she feels it.
She says: I think sensationalised means "taking a lot of opinion from Talk Back Radio and pretending it is factual reporting"

Negotiator:
He asked a question, which is reasonable. But then used an ad hominem attack (using a personal attack instead of an argument to devalue someone’s argument by attacking the speaker) At this point I would definitely be thinking ‘troll’. This seems to be a guy who just wants an argument and will keep on insulting you. See the previous point about stopping the conversation if it has become trading insults. In this case, what you did was mix up a definition with an example – and played right into his hands!


He says: You think that is the dictionary definition of "sensationalized"? Then methinks you need a better dictionary
Beth’s thinks: No, Meathead. That’s a perfectly accurate description of sensationalism

Beth’s Operator is sideswiped again. She’s now convinced this isn’t a spirited debate or logical argument at all. This is something else.

Negotiator:
Yes I’d agree – he is arguing semantics and you are trying to give examples and descriptions. You are now talking at cross-purposes. A classic negotiation tactic is to look to a neutral source right – so you could have pulled up the dictionary description here. This stops it becoming a pissing contest!


He says: In any case "balance" is a silly word. What would a "balanced" article about the Holocaust look like?
Beth’s thinks: You have got to be kidding me! What planet is this guy living on? He thinks you can’t have balance around an emotive or disturbing subject? What an idiot! And besides, we’ve hit Godwin’s Law: he was the first to mention the Nazis, he’s lost. Hardly a worthy adversary at all.

Beth’s Operator is feeling darn righteous now. She feels her feet on firmer ground. This person is just a nasty, stirring, reaction-seeking wanker

Negotiator:
Yes. Godwin’s Law applies – end of conversation! Walk away.


She says: I always try to remember that any article I read has been paid for by the publisher because they think it will attract readers to their publication
He says: Well, don't use the word "sensationalized", simply because you don't agree with it.
Beth’s thinks: I’m on solid ground here – I know I didn’t

Beth’s Operator is quite happy to type:
She says: I didn't

Negotiator:
You didn’t walk away, did you! And can you see what he’s trying to do here? He’s trying to perpetuate the argument, not have a discussion. When you made a statement he changed the subject again.


He says: That's lazy, crass and rather arrogant.
Beth’s thinks: There he goes again with the personal stuff!

Beth’s Operator thinks she’s got a handle on this guy now. Just the facts, Ma’am
She says: You just called me lazy, crass and arrogant?

Negotiator:
You didn’t need the question mark. He has resorted to ad hominem insults again – refer to above. This conversation should have ended some time ago; I’m beginning to think Beth was plain enjoying it…


He says: To use that word to describe an article like that, yes.
She says: And you didn't think that might be quite an aggressive and impolite thing to say to someone you had just met?
He says: You used a word wrongly, and stupidly. When called on it, you lacked the guts to admit your error.
Beth’s thinks: Yup – this guy is having a conversation that exists entirely in his own head. Maybe he’s replaying an argument with someone else? Whatever, this is nothing to do with me

Beth’s Operator is now thoroughly enjoying herself. She knows what to do. And she decides to be courteous
She says: Hmmm. Methinks you are something of a rude, attention-seeking and aggressive person with a number of communication issues. I don't need to talk to people like that. Please excuse me while I remove you from my contacts

Negotiator:
Um, no – you weren’t exactly courteous with that last bit, you were in fact passive-aggressive/aggressive! Your previous statement was fine, and it might have been better to stand your ground this second time and say “don’t you think that also may be quite an aggressive and impolite thing to say to someone you had just met?” Calmly repeating yourself is called ‘stuck record’ and is good when someone is trying to provoke you away from your point. Much easier in SL as you have copy and paste!


He says: No guts, no guts
She says: So rude, so rude
Beth’s thinks: Is this joker still trying to win an argument by refusing to back down and just plain insult someone?

Beth’s Operator opens his profile, clicks on ‘privacy’ and finds ‘Block’ in the list

Negotiator:
At last you do what you should have done ten minutes ago! “So rude, so rude” is slightly playground, but its such good matching I’ll let you have it.


He says: I rarely lose arguments lol
Beth’s thinks: In your own mind maybe!

Beth’s Operator clicks on ‘Block’ and mutes any further attempts by this avatar to IM her. Unfortunately, a couple were still ‘in the mail’

He says /me smiles
He /me hugs
Beth’s thinks: Oh how revolting – it’s like an abusive boyfriend trying to ‘make it up’ after he’s blacked your eye!
Beth’s Operator refuses to feel any more repulsed than she already does

Negotiator:
OK. To sum up - if you spot a troll, then the trick is not to feed it. Use ‘I’ statements about what you think and feel, rather than argue the ‘facts’. Have a conversation, not an argument. If not - end it and walk away. Unless you enjoy troll baiting (he casts a suspicious look in Beth’s direction…)

amasci.com/weird/flamer.html
www.teamtechnology.co.uk/troll-tactics.html

Beth and her Operator are hugely grateful for the Negotiator’s tips and advice. And they double their resolve not to reveal RL info to people that haven’t been on their friendship list for at least a month. If someone jumped on a court case to ‘put the boot in’ when they saw an opportunity, imagine what it would have felt like if the troll had attacked something about Beth’s Operator’s job, home life, family or beliefs? So armed with a new perspective and a jolly useful bag of tricks, Beth’s Operator feels much more confident that she can now spot and avoid oncoming trolls. However, she is not completely sure that Beth can be trusted to use the knowledge only for good, and not use what she’s learned to provoke and attack trolls more efficiently in the future… We shall see!

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Episode 62 – Dating Dangers 2

Beth had a bona fide date. Things had been proceeding in an astonishingly ‘normal’ fashion. She had fallen into conversation with a male avatar in a bar. A nice Canadian chap of apparently clean habits, good typing skills and an endearing turn of phrase. A week or so later they went out for coffee. Banter had continued to be interesting and no alarmingly weird habits or preferences were revealed by either party. A second meeting over coffee was arranged. Things were definitely looking up. Beth’s girlfriends were making the expected gags about Mountie uniforms, and whether the horse came as part of the package. But Beth was sunnily optimistic that she might have learned enough to avoid the previous traps and make this a successful and enjoyable encounter.

Beth did the girlie thing and ransacked her wardrobe for the least transvestite-y outfit she could cobble together for the event. She attempted Steampunk chic – smart jacket, pinstriped skirt and ankle-disguising boots. Crowned by a rather wonderful button-covered topper she had found on a Sixty Linden Weekend deal at Hatpins. The coffee shop she picked, the Beau Belle Cafe in Shadow Vale, was smart, had sea views and did the cafecito she had noted her Canadian liked (good ol’ ‘notes and privacy’). The control-freak in Beth was breathing relatively easily. There were a couple of other people in the café at the same time. Again, pleasant and reasonably conventional types, who included the two newcomers in local chat of a genial and entertaining nature.

So – coffee was drunk, sunsets were approved of, chat wandered around nice, safe and predictable topics: Real Life in the skimpiest of details, the mathematical nightmare that is arranging meetings across timezones, amusing lag-induced misadventures, the state of hot pants in the current technological climate. And, of course, inevitably – the subject of gender raised its ambiguous head. Beth rehashed many of the arguments previously outlined in this series of blog posts, and found no obvious objections from her companion. Perhaps buoyed up by her growing confidence that a matching of minds was going on, perhaps flushed with too much caffeine from the obliging vendor, Beth may have been pushing the boundary a little when she revealed one of her Operator’s RL maxims. As far as Beth’s Operator is concerned, there are only two types of people in the Real World. Bi-sexuals and mono-sexuals. Think about it for a moment – you’ll get there… Her chum was quiet for about a minute. Oh bugger! thought Beth. I’ve blown it. She couldn’t believe her crashing stupidity. After all she’d been through – defeating the Lag Monster, overcoming her disabilities, weathering previous dating disasters and mastering SL social etiquette. And know she’s shot herself in the foot by bringing in gender politics on a first ‘real’ date. Good grief, did she think she was still at University or something? Had she learned nothing in all those (many) intervening years? Doh!

But then, thankfully the conversation picked up again and strayed on to other subjects, particularly coffee (about which her escort knew a terrific and interesting amount - such as Casanova’s secret weapon with ‘the ladies’ being whipped cream. We can only hope he didn’t hurt his back getting the frothing machine over the balcony each night…) Perhaps the hiatus was only down to a bit of lag after all. At one point, however, input from her new friend became somewhat sluggish and protracted again. Ah – thought Beth. I’m either boring the pants off him, or maybe he’s talking with someone else in IM. Indeed – just one of those things an avatar has to get used to in SL. While the pixels say you are the only two people in the room, the voices in your companion’s head may be legion… She should have thought of that one earlier on.

He Sorry if I’m a bit distracted. I’ve been having a chat with someone on my contacts list
She Oh, I understand! I know how it is when people can contact you so easily in SL
He Well, actually, I contacted her
Beth gulped, hopefully inaudibly. Had she been boring him senseless after all?
He I’ve sent her the link to your blog and I’ve been telling her all about you

O…..K….. thought Beth. I certainly don’t mind anyone diverting traffic to my blog and upping my hit rate. No siree. But tiny explosions of doubt triggered in the back of Beth’s mind.
He I think you two would like each other. I’ve been persuading her to come over and meet you

An awful, awful thought occurred to Beth. A certain incident in Beth’s Operator’s past suddenly leap-frogged to the front of her memory. Obviously we won’t go into details here, but there was a sense of unwelcome familiarity about the current situation. Uh oh.
She Um. What was it, exactly, that made you think we might like each and that we should meet up?
(on what I thought was an actual date, just the two of us, might lead to something more than bloody coffee… she didn’t say out loud)
He It was the stuff you were saying about being bi-sexual. She’s not come out and said it straight, but I think C is bisexual too

The ‘date’ imploded with an almighty ‘WHUMPH’. Oh no! thought Beth’s Operator. Not again!!!

As previously stated, we won’t go into details here. But any female reader of this blog with a male partner who just happened to mention their secret fantasies about themselves and two women, particularly if any of those online ‘dating’ sites were involved in any way – well, you probably already know where this is heading. Yup – proving yet again that mistakes made in RL are oft repeated in SL – Beth’s date made the classic and catastrophic error of assuming that if “I just get the two of them together in the same place, well, it’s just BOUND to happen! Yay!” Oh dear, no. Oh no, no, no, no, no no, NO! If anyone has a shred of evidence that this brutally executed seduction has ever once resulted in hot three-way action (outside of a porn movie) then Beth and her Operator would like to know about it. It certainly wasn’t going to work tonight for Beth’s Canadian comrade. And that was before the woman in question even turned up. When she DID turn up (a minute or so later) the evening took the kind of nose-dive a Kamikaze pilot would have been truly proud of. Here’s the whole sorry incident:

The Canadian’s ‘friend’ rezzes into the café. Onto a table. All blonde mane, big boobs, black mini-gown and 6 inch stiletto-heeled cowboy boots. You know the type…

C OK turkey. Here I am!
She turns expressively to the other two patrons in the vicinity
C Hello Y! Hello Z!
C Hi Beth
Z Hey C
Y Hiya C :)
C Hi everyone! I’m C from Alabama, USA...
Oh good lord, thinks Beth. Could this person be a bigger clique? Then berates herself for being positively racist
Beth Hi C. I see you like table dancing - neat!
C LOL
C I've come for you Captain Kirk....

Captain Kirk? We’ve already established he doesn’t have a Mountie uniform. It there a Star Trek uniform in his inventory that C has already been privy to? Should Beth be running for the hills right now…?
Y Any woman recognizing Captain Kirk is worth her weight in gold to be honest... ^^

Yikes! Is Beth surrounded by Trekkies? And these people looked so inoffensive before…
C then executes any impressive leap off the table and lands half way between the Canadian’s lap and head. There she levitates, perhaps a little menacingly…

Beth Hmmmm. If this chap asked you to sit on his face - I think you missed!
C LOL
Now things really start to take a bizarre turn. C starts to emanate pink and purple confetti from somewhere about her person. The stuff floats out in a perilously wide radius, covering Beth and Z and thence the entire café.
C Since he didn't have any super sexy girlfriends... I have stepped in...
What??? Hang on, a few short minutes ago Beth was petrified that C had taken up the Canadian’s invitation in order to get Beth into a compromising position. Now, it appears, Beth has fallen foul of a turf war. No ‘super sexy girlfriends’ on hand? ‘Stepping in’? Ouch!

Beth Fair enough
C He needs to be loved
Z Hiya
C He is a sad puppy dog
Z Sorry, I was away for a second... and I came back to… this! :)
Z is absolutely covered in pink hearts, and still the stuff keeps coming…

C There, there baby
Beth Oh, yeah. He was probably fed up with all these guys in here hitting on him
C I've come to you my darling
C He needed a real woman. HAHAHA
Beth pretty well thinks she’s got the picture now. And the pink goo is starting to stuff up her sinuses. Her only compensation is that Y and Z have no idea how C came to be here. As far as they know, she just materialized on the table and leapt on the nearest bloke. But even so – the cracks about the lack of sexy competition and real women have only one obvious target.

Beth OK guys. Nice meeting you. I'll be heading off now :-)
Z Yeah. And I gotta get up. I'm allergic to all this hearts and glitter
Y Take care, Beth :)
And Beth bade them all farewell and teleported off to her Secret Changing Room in the sky. Leaving the Canadian to whatever ravishing the invading US Forces cared to inflict upon him.

When Beth’s Operator next returned to her pc, there were some plaintive messages from Canadia Land. Beth had some thinking to do. Should she cut her loses and give this encounter up as a bad job before it begins? Or should she risk another date with someone who has such terrible judgement? Clearly, the Canadian’s poor abilities around character assessment work in Beth’s favour. And maybe she should be grateful for that fact. But if the first date went this badly – what might she expect on the second? What to do? What to do?

Finally Beth came to a decision. This is Second Life. Why not make use of all the technology, anonymity, and social networking opportunities? So here is a message direct from Beth: “My dear Canadian friend. Yup, it was great while it lasted. But I can’t really see a future for us. So I’m dumping you by blog post. See ya around. Oh, actually not. I’ve removed you from my friendship list and muted you. Bye!”

Phew! What a relief for the terminally diffident. How very Second Life!


(many thanks to Mags and Carmella - two patient and gorgeous models who are heading for the big time!)

Now in glorious 2D!

This blog now comes with added pixels! No actual posting this week - Beth has been too busy charging around Second Life taking photos and dredging her back-catalogue so that she can put in some illustrations to brighten up her less-than illustrious tales. Most (but not quite all - yet) of the posts have pics from 'Bloody Poets...' onwards. If you'd care to scroll back and take a look - please do. Normal blogging service should be resumed from next week (if Beth can be persuaded to spend less time in SL and a bit more time writing about it...)

Episode 61 - Seth Dodges the Thought Police

Seth has met a lovely Japanese woman. Right now, around Second Life, claxons are sounding and the Thought Police are clipping on the riot gear. As pointed out in the last few Episodes, for many SL players this is a scenario that produces an explosion of emotional outrage. Seth’s profile does not explicitly state that he is a ‘thick’ avatar. It does not reveal any information about his RL Operator. And, perhaps worst of all, his Operator is of a different gender to the avatar.

While Revelators, homophobes and advertisers froth themselves into a self-righteous frenzy at this insistence on privacy and self-responsibility, others may simply pause to consider ethics and their relation to Avatar/Operator behaviour. There are some excellent articles about this at blogspot.com or alphavilleherald.com and Seth has done his best to pave the way for a guilt-free and non-toxic ride. He came to his own conclusions and is determined to stick by his decisions honestly. Like the other fictional characters Seth’s Operator has created in her stories, blogs and SL (see Episode 59), Seth set out into the virtual world with his own little bundle of authenticity, integrity and consistency. How did it weather? And what did Seth’s Operator learn about herself?

As stated in Episode 59, Seth’s character manifested as attentive, polite, interested and with a non-sarcastic sense of humour. A thoroughly nice lad. He doesn’t feel the need to ‘get the upper hand’ with chaps or ‘prove him/herself’ with the ladies, as Beth so often does. He is far more relaxed and laid back in social encounters than his Operator is in RL. He is more curious than mischievous, unlike his Role Playing alt. And while there remains a nagging worry (despite vigorous profile checking for the tell-tale signs) that someone he talks to might suddenly morph into a screaming, unreasonable and accusative Revelator (Seth pictures the finger-pointing scenes from ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’), he has only picked sensible people to talk to so far.

He met K in a Zen Garden where she introduced him to meditation pose balls and the noble Japanese art of not talking yourself up as a social convention. What a blessed relief from those annoyingly self-aggrandising Revelators! Seth and K got on extremely well. And Seth went out of his way to NOT imply that he was looking for anything other than interesting conversation, cultural exchange and friendship. So a second meeting was arranged.

They met up in New Toulouse for the ‘Wages of Sin’ murder mystery hunt. If you haven’t done one of these before, Seth would highly recommend it. The pre-arranged start point was a bright, open public square in the middle of the sim. There was a big poster saying “Click Here To Start” (the blindingly obvious is always a profoundly welcome help to the uninitiated, and gets the whole thing off to a positive start). The first clue introduced the murder and then took them off to the scene of the crime a few streets away. There was the option to teleport or follow the Big Red Arrow. Following the BRA became a running joke and was also a fantastic way to explore the sim. It took the pair of erstwhile sleuths to places they would almost certainly never have found if they had just been wandering about aimlessly. And there are some remarkable places in New Toulouse, well worth a visit.

Seth was having some rezzing issues, which made looking for visual clues something of a pain, but K was having much more luck. She found the second clue and triumphantly opened the notecard giving more of the story, another clue and the next destination. With the scent of blood in her nostrils, K turned into a different character. She was rushing ahead, pounding the pavements, barging into buildings and harassing any passer-by for more information. Seth could merely trail in her wake, doggedly tracking the BRA, struggling against the lag and hoping there might be a clue left when he got there.



There seldom was. K was relentless. They stormed through shops, brothels, cafes and the cemetery. They took time out to view an art gallery, dance to jazz and jump on a set of ‘have an argument’ pose balls (which at least allowed Seth to vent some of his lag-induced frustration in a socially acceptable and extremely amusing way). They found lipsticks, lucky coins, bottles of absinthe and trumpet-legend’s trumpets. Well. K did. The absolute low point for Seth was in Kari’s Bar and Dine. There were a number of patrons – New Toulouse regulars by the sounds of things. One was showing off his new avatar – a Transformer that went from a black and white American cop car complete with flashing lights and siren, to a room-filling black and white robot complete with flashing lights and siren. K accosted them for help in finding the clue – but they wouldn’t let on. K found it anyway about 4 seconds later, under the piano. She marched victorious through the double doors calling out “au revoir, tout le monde!” and flounced off towards the next clue. So not only a ninja clue-finder, but she speaks French too! With all the lag-generated stumbling around, the lack of visual acuity and the general less-than-stunning performance so far, Seth was feeling under pressure to make a good impression. He had to come up with something with flair and panache. He was going to have walk and talk at the same time! “Au revoir!” he typed into Local Chat while attempting to manoeuvre himself around to point directly facing the open door. The lag ensured that it was like circling an oil tanker in mid-ocean. He hit the return key to say the words, while launching himself gamely towards the doorway. He missed. Of course. And worse, the wall he crashed into gave him the ‘waggling insect’ treatment big time. So while the bar patrons were amused by Seth’s arse-end jiggling erratically, he prayed that K was far enough in front of him not to notice. He double-clicked on his mini-map and hoped he wouldn’t end up in a fountain. When he eventually caught up with K, she was so distracted with the next clue she appeared not to have noticed his tragic faux-pas.

Twenty clues and nearly four hours later – K and Seth had solved the mystery. They were delighted! The story turned out to be torturously complicated, and they hadn’t worked out even half of it. But when they got to read it in its entirety it was a fabulous tale of murder, theft, disintegrating relationships and dastardly double-crosses. As entertaining as the hunt itself. And not only that – but the final destination held a whole rack of freebies produced by people in the sim to entice you back again. There were clothes, lamps, jewellery boxes and drinking animations. K loved her Cat Fish Mardi Gras gown and Seth was particularly taken with the formal tux with silver piping and couldn’t wait to try it on. Intellectually tested, visually sated and laden down with prizes, the two happy detectives said their farewells and skipped out of SL with the smug glow that comes from a job well done.

So, returning to the ethical issues raised in Episode 60. Had Seth’s behaviour satisfied the Thought Police? Had he misled, tricked, cajoled or conned K by spending the afternoon with her on a murder mystery hunt? Would a Revelator judge him negatively? Frankly, Seth doesn’t give a flying monkey’s chuff. He had a great time, K had a great time and next week they are going out dancing wearing the freebie outfits from their prize haul. Of course, it could be interesting to see who rezzes the pose balls and takes the lead. Because, let’s face it, K’s Operator could in all likelihood – be a bloke! But then, quite honestly – who cares?!

Episode 60 - Attack of the 50ft Leaky

Beth is back from holiday and has been sleuthing and snooping all week. Following the leads thrown up in Episode 59 about thick, thin and leaky avatars in Second Life - yes. There does seem to be a new Tribe in town. Beth hadn’t really come across them before, but then, she hasn’t been in SL more than a few months. So she’s unsure whether this is old hat, a new conspiracy or some sort of backlash. But Beth has noticed a particularly prevalent attitude. In profiles, on blogs, during conversations. Beth calls them the Revelators. You know the ones – “I’m pretty much the same in RL and SL”; “Oh – are you talking to my pixels now? Or to me?”; “You have to remember that there’s a real person behind this avatar, you know”; “I love alts. I hunt them down and barbecue them"

The blogs in particular seem to be awash with posts about the ‘ethics’ of revealing RL predilections inside SL. And the alarming trend seems to be that revelation is considered far more ‘ethical’ than non-revelation. Now Beth has a theory. She thinks there are three kinds of people who are evangelically enthusiastic about unbridled exposure and the non-existence of privacy. Stalkers. Complete nosey parkers. And advertisers.

Now, Beth may be old-fashioned. But she really doesn’t see a need to make life any easier for creeps, peeping toms and lazy racketeers. But this meme is out there. Virally marketing its insipid way through Second Life. The new SL viewer is a prime example. RL info is the second box now, not the last. Suggests a change in emphasis, don’t you think? Are advertisers interested in the vital statistics of virtual characters? Of course they’re bloody not. Do they care that you “Like to meet people, go to clubs and am mainly here to have fun – IM me!” No. They want to see “Dutch, male, 38, married with 3 kids” or “23 year old Texan girl who likes antique teapots and poodle racing”. NOW they have someone to sell to!

The stalkers would seem to have an obvious agenda. Although Beth thinks it’s a little too easy to tumble into this category without being wholly conscious of the fact. The current technology certainly aides and abets privacy invasion, secret tracking and guerrilla communication in unexpected and often jaw-dropping ways. One avatar stood calmly by and described Beth’s underwear to her one day. This proved hugely embarrassing as her ‘socks’ and underpants had entirely over-the-top names. Something of no consequence in her Inventory – but completely cringe-worthy in Local Chat. Are nosey people actually asking for these features? Or is it out there just because the technology had been developed and someone wanted to see their ‘double range super-snooper’ out on the internet?

Beth thinks this Cult of the Over-Exposed is a sign of the times in RL and SL. Too much ‘Reality’ TV. Way too much Facebook and Twittering. Beth is of the opinion that instead of being a sublime way of passing round crafted and relevant information, these social networking tools have been high-jacked by people with uncontrollable emotional diarrhoea and an inability to prevent themselves from spontaneously ejaculating every whim and caprice from their unremarkable lives. If it occurs to them, then it must automatically be special or interesting. Sadly, Beth has found, this is seldom the case. And unfortunately these same public vomiters and soul-barers often come with a matching set of pompous and overinflated expectations that everybody else should behave in the same socially incontinent way. Good grief! They want us all to become permanent-broadcast nudists! They want us to rip open our Byronesque shirts and expose our inner workings like the worst kinds of phlemn-hacking poets! Beth (as regular readers will attest) is not going to have any of THAT nonsense!

Back on SL, profiles and blogs are full of preposterous double-standards masquerading as ‘ethics’ at the moment and Beth would like to encourage her readers to challenge them. In the nicest possible way, of course. After all, these are just thin and leaky avatars who are taking their social networking assumptions into a world that actively supports imaginative, creative and genuinely interesting people. They have a lot to learn.

If someone claims that they are ‘the same in SL as RL’ then perhaps the suggestion could be put to them that they LOOSEN UP A LITTLE. Send them a landmark to Curio Obscura, Signature Skin Labs or Weirdiculous. Try on some clothes, some personalities, a Horseless Travel Gown. See who else is in there. Live it up!

If you meet one of those refugees from Facebook who sees every avatar as a walking opportunity to ‘unload’ about their crap boss or their unrewarding love life, then gently point out to them that SL is a wonderful place to ESCAPE from that kind of stuff and give them landmarks to Greenies Room, Racers Island or Nakama. Or better still, direct them to Avatars United where they can exchange bollocks with the rest of the moaning minnies.

If someone pleads “Don’t lie to me” or “Don’t give me grief” or (the classic, and appalling badly spelled) “dont like hassel, aggresion and atitude” - you might want to mention that expecting everybody else in the rest of the entire world toa) figure out what might be upsetting to this one individual and
b) be on their constant guard against it
is SOMEWHAT UNREALISTIC. People have different opinions, talk rubbish and are utterly mistaken in RL. Why would it be any different in SL? This attitude is particularly galling when these delicate flowers appear to regard any role-players, explorers or alts as evil, deceptive, persecuting villains who are deliberately trying to trick, cajole or con these ‘pure’, ‘honest’, ‘ethical’ Revelators. Nah – Beth thinks that the only people doing the deceiving are yourselves. Go to Erie Isle, Dark City or Insilico and revel in the delights of fantasy and make-believe.


And for those completely misguided souls who feel the need to monotonously point out the blindingly obvious: “the you on the screen is just as much you as in real life”
Well, duh – who were you expecting? There isn’t anybody else there at the keyboard, you know. Avatar’s Operators aren’t channelling the souls of dead people or having thoughts beamed into their heads by space aliens or being possessed by demons. But some have things like ‘personalities’, ‘characteristics’ and ‘imaginations’. It’s OK. It’s human. Don’t be scared. These are things that can be played with and enjoyed. Try it. You might like it. Go to Renaissance Island, Immersiva or Provence Coeur.

So Beth encourages you to resist these faddish Revelators and their baying for unrestrained, wanton and dissolute lifestyles. Sensible, socially competent, boundary-respecting role-playing folk should not be made to feel they are in the minority or in the wrong. Say ‘no’ to the paranoid, the predatory, the prying and the peddlers. Well, at least you stand a chance with the first three. As for the Advertisers. Sigh. We are just going to have to live with the Advertisers...

Episode 59 - Is Beth thick, thin or leaky?

Beth knows a Fox. He’s a delightful chap. He works in a nightclub, narffles when he laughs and talks very engagingly like a dog. He’s a mine of information on gay bars and strip clubs and flirts in a very gentlemanly manner. He is thick. Definitely thick.

Beth knows a Victorian Gentleman Adventurer. He is a dilettante, talks very precisely and properly and makes no bones about being in SL to explore and observe. He has valiantly resisted all of Beth’s painfully clumsy attempts at flirtation and may very well have a partner in RL or SL. Or he may have a female Operator who isn’t into that kind of thing. Beth doesn’t know. He doesn’t say. So Beth puts it down to him being thick.
And then there is the Vampire. He has a castle and responsibility for a ‘kingdom’ of vampires. Beth adores his home, especially the views from his ‘sundeck’ (which she finds hilarious in the circumstances) They talk quite formally most of the time, but he is a thoroughly modern Vampire with a wide screen TV and current political views, so there is probably a fair degree of spill-over from his Operator’s RL during the conversation. Beth would say he is thick, but with a charming bit of leakage.

Now, in complete contrast, we have one of Beth’s alts. She is involved with a RL business which has just set up an online ‘branch’ in SL. It’s not a SL business as such (they are not selling to SL avatars) but use a sim to bring in their own clients and put them through training courses. Brilliant! So Beth’s Operator has set up an avatar that looks like she does in ‘work mode’. Business Woman does not dress like a Victorian Librarian Transvestite, wear glasses or blunder around outside of this home sim having adventures. If you talk to her it will be exactly the same as if you called her at work in RL. There are links to her RL website, her photo, her name and everything. So Beth would say Business Woman is thin. Supermodel thin.

But what is Beth? Now, originally, Beth came into SL to find out about the possibility of marketing a novel to a SL audience. And joined writer’s groups, started a blog, helped edit someone else’s first draft and so on. Oh – and got completely distracted and addicted to SL in general, met and made friends with some wonderful people and had heaps of fun and adventures. Plus she’s fallen into a lot of water and walked into a lot of walls. But who is Beth? She isn’t Business Woman, that’s for sure. She IS a pretty cheeky and adolescent character a lot of the time. She’s a heck of a lot less shy than her Operator is in RL. So certain aspects of Beth’s Operator’s personality come through online. Others don’t. Beth doesn’t mention much about her Operator’s RL to anyone, even people she has been talking with for several months now. She would rather talk about things that are happening in SL. She CERTAINLY doesn’t want to hear about your crap day at work and see photos of your grandkids! So not completely thick. Definitely not thin. And on the reticent side of leaky. Perhaps.

What Beth definitely tries to be is honest. A good character should have (in the opinion of Beth’s Operator, the sad, wanna-be novelist) authenticity, integrity and consistency. Oh, but we can only wish that everyone was like that in RL and SL, eh! (Heck, we can only hope that the characters in Beth’s Operator’s novel are like that…) But most people in RL and SL have a good crack at it. Beth has developed her own personality, has her own interests, her own set of friends. Business Woman has a very different SL. There is another alt who only Role Plays. And then there is Seth. Ah yes! What news of Seth? Has he been out much? Yes, he has.

Seth has found a male friend from RL Moscow who is obviously involved in some sort of project and has asked Seth to explain what the heck is going on in some Kiwi TV ads. Knowing the ads in question and a fair bit about Kiwi culture, Seth has been happy to oblige. He has also found himself talking to female avatars, and his Operator has been pleasantly surprised at the response. It turns out that Seth is hyper-attentive, extremely polite, is genuinely interested in what people have to say and has a simple, non-sarcastic sense of humour that is really quite endearing. It transpires that he is a nice, well-brought up, polite South Auckland lad. Pretty well everything Beth, and her Operator, are not! So Seth’s Operator is finding vent to a whole new side of her RL personality. Some of Beth’s mates are now asking if they can maybe please hang out with Seth instead? She cannot for the life of her fathom out why! Can you?

So in his Operator’s opinion, Seth is a thick avatar. Age, gender, colour, nationality – all completely different from the Operator’s. But he doesn’t have a tail, dead-white skin or furry legs with hooves. He’s not obviously thick. In fact Seth looks quite ‘normal’. Hmmm. Other avatars might expect him to be thin and leaky. And is it just Beth, or have SL players with those kinds of expectations been breeding like bunnies in recent times? They seem to have a very particular agenda. And it does not seem to be thick avatar friendly. In fact – there appears to be a lot of these thin and leaky avatars who are actively thick avatar averse. Most unfriendly, in Beth’s opinion.

So has young Seth picked a bad time to hatch? Is this Brave New World actually full of dullards, one-dimensional people and ponderous ethics committees? Where Beth only has to worry about canals, corridors and snide comments about her attire, does Seth have to run the gauntlet of refugees from Facebook who view imagination, creativity and plain old-fashioned make-believe as a personal affront and rank deception and dishonesty? Yikes! Is this what SL is coming to? Medium-thickness, slightly leaky Beth has been out and about with her notebook. She has been asking the questions and snooping the profiles. And Seth has changed his 1st Life info to broadcast unequivocally “what happens in RL stays in RL”. Will that be enough to stave off an attack of the thin and leakies? Let’s find out after Beth turns her hand to sleuthing in Second Life …

Episode 58 – Beth Takes On The Enormous Penis

M I read your last blog post
B Oh yes? What did you think?
M Typical of you – all highly ‘observational’ and basically taking the piss out of everybody else
B Oh dear…
M But you could hardly say you were speaking from actual experience, could you?
B Uh…huh?
M There’s only one real way to know for sure, you know…
Beth wonders where this is leading and whether she wants to go there
M You have to create your own male avatar!

If you have read the previous posts, you will be familiar with the fact that Beth already possesses a ‘Male Casual Walk’ (because she doesn’t want to get motion-sickness everytime she walks down a corridor - which is the danger with your average turbulence-inducing wiggly female walk); she wears men’s suits because female clothes seldom fit (despite having created a less-than-RL-average-sized avatar); and that she even acquired a penis from a freebie shop when she thought no one was looking (not that she was ever able to satisfy her morbid curiosity about the thing – she couldn’t figure out how to rez it and it has lain in a corner alongside other impulse freebie acquisitions such as a beach hut, a set of skis and that nun’s habit)

Beth has also done a fair bit of sex-changing in the past – mainly by accident. The cause being those sneaky Shapes that you sometimes get free with outfits. No matter how carefully you check the box, when you click on the folder and choose ‘Add to outfit’ from the menu – suddenly you are transformed into what looks like one of those horrendous stick-figure ‘greys’ that conspiracy theorists with anal-probe fetishes are always banging on about. Sometimes there is a male shape lurking in the deep recesses, and whoops! you expand into this weird triangle on a stick with steroid-abuse muscles and an inability to use a razor. Beth has also been unable to resist the temptation to click on the gender button in ‘Appearance’ to see what she would look like as her brother…
So all in all, it wasn’t perhaps such an enormous leap of imagination to take the next, seemingly obvious, step – and build her own man. Beth’s Operator has already created two female avatars to play with in SL. So the process for hatching a third was remarkably quick and efficient. Beth’s Operator chose the Musician Guy as the basic character, and set up the new avatar. Let’s call him “Seth”. In less than an hour Seth had visited freebie shops and XStreet where he acquired the basics in skin, the same walk as the girls have, hair, jeans and a tee shirt and a pair of jandels for his feet (he is a Kiwi bloke, after all!)

Skin was hard to find. Seth wanted to be brown. There is a distinct lack of black, brown and yellow avatars on SL, and he thought he’d redress the balance in a small way. Besides, Beth’s Operator is partial to brown… He found a nice one called Salamon in Shiloh Jun Ethnic Skins and a ridiculously cheap L$11 one on XStreet called Xpressions Male Skin 6. Unfortunately the shape that came with it turned Seth into a mini, olive-skinned Incredible Hulk, so he set about narrowing the shoulders, reducing the musculature and widening the hips until he became a most acceptable ectomorph. Apart from any number of tee shirts and pairs of jeans, Seth had limited success in finding anything in the slightest bit stylish or interesting clothes-wise. But he has acquired a number of Land Marks to exceptionally nice stuff (including neru jackets, trench coats and the fascinating ‘Adulterer’s Suit’ in places like Casa Del Shai) should he continue his adventures. Hair was also throwing up a very sparse range of choices – until he was put onto Damselfly. But quite honestly, he really likes the Musician’s hair and will stick with it for a while (maybe it’s the red highlights – very Beth!)

So what were Seth’s first impressions of life as a guy? His Operator reported back that it was remarkably non-weird. Driving him around didn’t produce any emotional baggage to surge up and engulf her. She didn’t feel an urge to question her gender-identify or experience a devastating disruption in her sexuality. It just felt like driving an avatar. Of course, all Seth was doing was shopping, so he had the perfect excuse not to interact with or talk to anyone else. Would it feel different had he gone to a dancehall or fell into conversation in the Botanical Gardens? Unknown at this stage.

So anyway, once he was feeling suited and booted, Seth went straight over to M’s place and smugly reported back.

M Hmmmm. OK. That’s all very well
S What do you mean?
M You can’t really call yourself a man until you’ve bought a penis
Seth was not quite ready for this one
S You mean I have to go out penis shopping?
M Exactly! I’ll take you!
Seth has the awful feeling he has just been duped – but realises there is now no turning back…

M OK. Have you been to Dark Delights?S I don’t think so…
M The one with all the sick, extreme stuff?
S Er… Doesn’t sound familiar
M Then we should go!

Seth accepted M’s teleport and arrived at a fairly typical-looking shopping mall – except for all the penises dangling from the walls.
M OK... I'm assuming we don't need anything scripted.
S Scripted?!
Beth/Seth had heard of ‘cut’ and ‘uncut’ penises – but ‘scripted’ and ‘unscripted’! His/her tiny minds boggled.
M Like the XCite stuff? If both partners have XCite attachments, they can "stimulate” each other and the things post messages in chat
S I’m sorry. Did you just tell me that there are pee-pees and frou-frous out there in SL carrying on conversations in local chat?
M Not exactly. It’s a technical thing, I know you have trouble with the technical stuff…
S You’re saying that genitals are living their own Second Lives?
M That’s a pretty terrifying idea. But then I’ve often thought that the ones in RL have minds of their own…
S Sentient reproductive organs! With a Master Plan! SL will be overrun in a matter of months!
Seth picked his jaw up from the ground in front of him and tried to focus on the task in hand. To be honest, the meat and two veg on offer looked pretty ugly. But boy! Could they do a lot of tricks! Seth was amazed at the intense detail that had gone into the multi-functionality of these little chaps. Months of work were implied by their abilities to levitate up and down, twirl around, pee on command and ejaculate great fountains of white goo. While, unfortunately, less attention appeared to have been paid to the aesthetics of each piece. Unable to find anything that appealed, Seth looked to his companion for further advice.
M Well, there are plenty more to see. We’ll move on. I'll show you the rest of this fascinating place another time :)
S Yeah. OK. If you insist!
Seth did not think this sounded like an exceptionally entertaining Boy’s Night Out.

Another tp, another penis shop. This one was called ‘Midnight Lotus’
M OK... this is the one that I’m currently using
S I can’t believe it! This was all just a ploy to get me to look at your cock?!
M You can't blame me for trying ;)
Seth reminded M who he was talking to now. M looked suitably sheepish
S Right! Let’s get on with this. What am I looking for?
M Over there. Against the wall. A big white statue
And there it was. A huge male mid-section wrought in white marble with a ridiculously large phallus
M Go ahead! You can click on it ;) (I know you won't be able to resist that!)
Seth is actually slightly grossed out by the gargantuan dong
M I was wondering if it was big enough for you ;)
Seth ‘harrumphed’ conspicuously and tentatively waving his cursor over the preposterous appendage
S Size has never been a factor for me in RL and it isn’t going to be here either! (Seth says somewhat pompously)
M grinned
A big blue menu appeared in the corner of Seth’s screen. The functions took him aback once again. There were several degrees of up and down, it was possible to make it disappear, but unfortunately that particular function had been disabled. As had the pee-ing option. Now, in RL, Beth is no stranger to using men’s toilets or pee-ing standing up (as are many other women who find themselves at crowded music gigs or any kind of popular outdoor festival or event). So Seth felt no strong desire to run off to an Elfin Glade in a role-playing sim somewhere and start hosing-down the woodland animals just because he could. But he did dutifully wiggle the monstrous member to feel he was getting the most out of the trip here.
S Oh my
M was enjoying Seth’s discomfort immensely
M It's resizable
S (Of course it is…) Can you get one without the knobs on? (so to speak) Something neat and compact is all I ask!
M I think they mostly all come with pee and cum options
S Well. OK. I suppose this one is basically ungross

And so ended Seth’s first lesson in ‘becoming a man’. If he has any more, they will appear in this blog. Did he buy the resizable ‘Gold Edition’ with pee functions? Well, if you see a young SL avatar who looks like he could be a Victorian Librarian Transvestite in a male body – you will just have to stroll up and ask him, won’t you?