SLers guide to NZers - New Zealand Shut for the Holidays

For the two weeks around christmas and new year, New Zealand packs the tent and the bbq, shoves the kids and the dogs in the back of the car and heads for the beach. Summer is seriously underway in the RL southern hemisphere. The pohutukawas (*1) are in full bloom and people head for their favorite camping grounds and family bachs. A bach is a kind of ‘beach cabin’ used just for holidays. They tend to be either flash, new and recently built by wealthy NZers or rich Americans with a Lord of the Rings fetish. Or they are shonky, barely-maintained shacks that have been in a family’s possession for several generations now.

(*1) a prolific, gnarly coastal tree with blood-red flowers that bursts into life in the last two weeks of December. NZers, being on the whole a practical and pragmatic people, call them ‘Kiwi christmas trees’)



This year Beth has use of one of the later types of bach, right on Bob’s Bay in the lovely town of Whaknga (*2) During the day, Beth pretty well has the place to herself, as most of her adopted countrymen are off picnicking like crazy, playing rugby or indulging in the time-honoured Kiwi tradition of slaughtering wildlife. Yes, NZers are keen hunters and fishers. Deer, pigs, possums (*3), hobbits (*4), each other (*5) – Kiwis like to get out there and bag one for the pot.

*2 Quick lesson in pronunciation – wh = f, as in fat; a = ah, as in arse; k = hard ‘c’, as in kick; ng = nasal ‘ng’, as in ring. So Whaknga = fahk-nah

*3 Deer, pigs and possums were all introduced by well-intentioned but bloody idiotic colonizers and now cause havoc with the native flora and fauna. Hence NZers feel duty-bound to dispense with as many of them as possible to make up for their predecessors’ mistakes.

*4 Hobbits are also considered a pest – their enormous hairy feet trample crops and knock out fences with monotonous regularity. Since the success of the LOTR movies, hobbits have become even more uppity and some are even demanding the right to be treated like people! But that is unlikely to happen any time soon…

*5 Hunters shooting each other is also a regular feature of NZ life. Whether this is down to ‘friends’ settling old scores or the stubborn refusal of your average Kiwi bloke to get his eyes tested or admit to needing glasses, it’s hard to say…

And of course, new year’s day - the Glorious 1st – means that dolphin-hunting season officially opens to much merriment and celebration! Now most people seem to have this romantic notion about dolphins being cute, cuddly, friendly creatures –very photogenic and with good TV presence. SL shows worrying signs of having fallen for this misconception. You can hardly move for gamboling delphinidae in some sims – leaping out of the water at you with sinister, leering grins. However, Kiwis know them for what they really are – cunning, vicious gangsters, misusing their considerable intelligence for thoroughly bad purposes. The mayors and councilors of most coast towns in NZ are enmeshed in a constant battle against illegal gambling, credit card fraud and dodgy pyramid-selling schemes. Bob’s Bay is crawling with these denizens of organized crime. So Beth is very happy to do her civic duty by taking pot-shots at the crafty blighters whenever they have the audacity to break surface and laugh disparagingly at the local populace.



So while the RL northern hemisphere and much of SL wrap up warm in hats and scarves, and trudge through Winterfestivaly streets knee-deep in snow drifts, Beth intends to spend the next couple of weeks toasting her toes in the sunshine, sipping Marlborough pinot gris and grilling dolphin steaks on an open fire. Season’s greetings to you all.