SLers guide to NZers - an introduction

Beth has spent a lot of her young life wandering around a somewhat bleak and deserted SL. She finds cafes with kettles still gently steaming in the corner, but no customers at the tables. She finds whole towns and cities quiet, wind-blown and utterly bereft of life. She finds empty universities, vacant hotels, unoccupied space stations and vast parklands devoid of all activity. Ankh-Morpork was not the bustling metropolis the books had led her to believe. This is because Beth’s operational base is New Zealand. So when most of SL is up and thrutching, Beth’s Operator is sensibly asleep. Or earning a living in RL (and unfortunately she doesn’t work for anyone prepared to let her chew up their broadband while she buggers about and still pay her for the privilege. Shame…) A lot of the time this works to Beth’s advantage. She still has that embarrassing inability to walk round a curve. And when (inevitably) she falls in the water there is no one on hand to sarcastically proffer a towel. So keeping such peculiar hours is not all bad. There is never a queue for the helicopter or balloon ride. And it does mean she occasionally gets the chance to chide her UK-based friends with a spirited “Its 3am you idiot! Go to bed you pathetic addict! You’ll give yourself an aneurysm if you keep this up!” – which, being a naturally bossy and brutally frank individual, Beth enjoys greatly!

However, Beth has been managing to blunder (often quite literally) into the occasional avatar as she staggers her palsied way around the various sims. During her conversations she follows the usual conventions, and is often asked where she comes from. “New Zealand” she says, quite proudly. This is quite true. Beth’s Operator has a deep and heart-felt attachment to her adopted country (having given the UK up as a bad job 8 years ago). New Zealand is as beautiful as everyone says and Beth’s Operator has travelled it extensively and loves to read about its short history (ie year dot to 1300 – ferns, birds, insects, bloody great trees; 1300 – Maori turn up, eat all the moa, plant crops etc; 1800+ - colonisers turn up and do what they usually do the world over, but still haven’t managed to fill up the place with more than 4 million people, even today) So SL at 2am is surprising comparable to NZ at any time of the day! And, like SL, it is full of unique and beautiful flora and fauna, miles of tree-lined, craggy-rocked beaches, it has snow-capped mountains, rainforests and volcanoes. It has quite a few helicopters, balloons and also hang gliders, as well.

Both Beth and her Operator are in love with New Zealand. It’s called biophilia – love of the nature of a place. If any poets happen to be reading this (and I can’t imagine why they would - as Beth avoids them like the hairy plague) please don’t feel tempted to start leaving comments of a ‘spiritual’ nature. Beth does not have a ‘spiritual’ pixel in her entire avatar. Beth is an Old School Rationalist. Beth says “If you feel moved by the awe and wonder of a beautiful sunset – what you are experiencing is ‘awe and wonder’. If you feel a great connectedness with the landscape or people in a place – what you are experiencing is a sense of connectedness. It is normal! It is human. You are *not* special. Get over yourself!” So poets, ‘spiritual’ people and deity botherers of any stripe – you have been warned!

So New Zealand is a country about the size of the UK, plonked right on the line where the Tasman Sea and the Pacific Ocean bash into each other. New Zealand is known to people in Commonwealth countries as a fellow colony, to Rugby-playing nations because of the All Blacks, to some Asian countries as that place with all the sheep, and even some Americans have heard of it! That is mainly due to the ‘Lord of the Rings’ movies, of course, not because anyone thought to add geography to the school curriculum anytime recently, we presume. Myths and stereotypes abound (and not just about Americans). Some people imagine that New Zealand is some sort of sub-tropical, South Seas paradise. This makes Beth seem strange and exotic. Beth approves and will pump that particular misconception for all it’s worth if she thinks she can get away with it! On the other hand, Beth has noticed occasions where conversation has become derailed by her lapses into the local vernacular, particularly around words, phrases and concepts. After 8 years, these mannerisms have become engrained in Beth’s Operator, and it will probably be easier to explain them than to ask Beth to give them up. Hence the intention to post a number of informative and educational articles in this blog in the spirit of entente cordial (Beth chucks in some French there, just to really confuse matters. Way to go girl!)

So here’s a few to start us off. Beth says “bugger” and “bloody” a lot. These are the swear words of choice on these Islands. Beth likes swearing! If she is in the company of Brits she will also revert to type and splatter the f-word around as well. Kiwis don’t use that one quite so liberally. Oh yes! Kiwis. Talking about Kiwis has caused a major bout of incomprehension on more than one occasion. Kiwis are the national bird – and it is also what NZers call themselves. So you will hear Beth saying things like “Kiwis live for the beach”, “He’s a typical Kiwi bloke”, “Kiwis live in wooden houses with tin roofs” etc. If she’s feeling frivolous, Beth will also throw in terms like “Kia ora, bro’” (borrowed from Maori and meaning variously “hello/goodbye, friend” or as a general term of agreement), “No worries” (“that is not a problem”), “She’ll be right” (everything will work out, it always does) and she will often call people “mate”. If she is saying things like “Fabulous!”, “thrutching” or “f**k you, monkey boy”, she is, however, being English… But in an effort to foster international and multi-dimensional warmth and understanding – Beth will be happy to explain anything that piques your interest. And she promises faithfully to always speak truthfully. Always… Promise… Sweet asssssss, bro’