Episode 49 ‘Beth Meets Her First Dodgy Bloke’

Beth had been warned by so many people in her first few months of SL that she needed to watch out for ‘dodgy blokes’. They were everywhere, apparently. Making outrageous suggestions and generally making life for the single SL girl a living hell. Beth was seriously concerned that she wasn’t meeting any such men. Not one! Absolutely no one, it seemed was trying to take advantage of her. Damn! She was thinking. This is just like RL. This is no good. What am I doing wrong? Is it the glasses? Is it the whole Victorian librarian transvestite look? Maybe she should try putting on a dress one day…

Times were hard. Beth took to hanging out in bars, profile-snooping and trying not to look too desperate. After an uneventful half hour in the Blarney Stone (nightclub hoppers, nekos, poets, Star Trek geeks – she wasn’t THAT desperate yet…) Beth wandered back to the Botanical Gardens to sit and ponder the waterfall and reflect on what a complete loser she must be in SL, RL and probably every incarnation she had ever had on the Wheel of Samsara. And then someone IM-ed her

He “G….. is a good person to talk to about learning to build on SL – you should contact them”
Aha! She had been profile-snooped! Someone had spotted her request for a kindly, patient (and hopefully deaf-to-swearing) Building Mentor. Things could be looking up! Perhaps she could build a dodgy bloke of her own. Or even just a small part of one…

Beth thought hard and remembered the IM-er from the pub. Damn! A poet. Never mind…
A conversation ensued as the waterfall tumbled majestically, as is its wont.
She “So is it still thrutching at the Blarney Stone?”
He “Oh, I don’t know. I moved on somewhere else”
She “Oh, yeah? Anywhere nice?”
He “Erm…”
He “I’m on a nudist beach”
A nudist beach… Oh, how Beth’s curiosity roared up like Marlon Brandon on a Triumph Thunderbird 6T with the rest of the Black Rebels Motorcycle club in tow. A nudist beach!
Beth is torn between a yearning to find out just how tacky a SL nudist could be, and just putting on her PJs and calling it a night
She “Well, I suppose a nudist beach might be considered nice!”
She “I’d be too shy to take my clothes off tho!”
He “Oh, don’t worry – you can keep your eyes closed if you like”
Beth’s chronic lack of good taste wins out
She “Oh, go on then. Send me a tp”

After the whoosh, Beth is standing on the sand under a completely repulsive beach umbrella next to a naked guy lying on a sun lounger, rotating every few moments as per the ‘sunbathing’ poseball. It looks kinda energetic and is not very realistic. Of course Beth hasn’t got her eyes shut at all and is watching, fascinated as he and the surroundings rezz into view properly.
Strangely, his cock is the very last thing in the whole scene to download. So every 5 seconds Beth is confronted by a supine bloke with what appears, for all the world, to be a pink iced bun with a cherry on top glued to his lap. When it finally pops up it looks a whole lot less edible. Unfortunate…

He “Oh! I didn’t see you there!”
He “Let me just put this away…”
Oh, good grief! thinks Beth. He has GOT to be kidding! He just sent me the damn tp. And he’s making out he’s been caught unawares? Do me a favour…

Safely adopting the neutered-Action Man look Beth remembers from her brother’s childhood warmongering days, the poet treats Beth to a tour of the environ. Some naked people are playing beach volley ball. Beth wonders if she has dozed off and woken up in a Cliché Nightmare. He proudly takes her to a paddling pool where there are a line of M/F/M/F dancing poseballs. He gamely jumps onto a M ball, leaving the F one in front of him free. And proceeds to bump ‘n’ grind for all he’s worth. Beth smiles appreciatively and stands there (in full Victorian librarian transvestite regalia) watching him. And not jumping on in front of him. Somewhat obviously. But he keeps going. All Beth can think is “I don’t think I have ever seen a straight man looking quite sooooooo gay before”

Beth is beginning to sweat (and not only from wearing a frock coat in the hot sun) Conversation is getting harder and harder. Beth grits her teeth and resists the urge to just hit ‘Quit’ right there and then. No, she thinks. I have to find a way to leave this scenario politely and graciously. Let’s call it a learning experience.

She looks around the beach for inspiration. Everything looks cheap and tacky. There is a particularly incongruous christmas display wilting in the blazing sun. Beth is profoundly thankful that Santa is not naked. She thinks this might have traumatized her. Beth somehow manages to work her Inventory into the torpid exchange. Now, as regular readers will have gathered, there is nothing in the world Beth likes more than her Inventory! It is her most prized possession in SL. Surely there is some mileage in that?

It turns out the poet has a couple of houses in his. Just lying around. Beth is thinking “This is it! He is going to make an inappropriate suggestion about going back to his place – as soon as he can find a suitable place to inflate it”

Alas no. The poet quickly goes on to explain how he had a SL girlfriend for whom he did everything she asked and then she left him. Beth screams silently. “He’s going to tell me all about his ex!” Which he did. At some considerable length. Had he no concept that he was breaking the cardinal rule when talking to women? He then went on to confess to being 57 years old in RL. Beth was standing up to her ankles in a fake lagoon, with a man in his birthday suit pouring his guts out about some gold-digger who left him in RL as well as SL, while naked people frolicked in the sand thereabouts. Convinced she had learned all she ever wanted to from this scenario Beth made up an incoming IM conversation and hoped she was convincing when she said she had to leave for her karate class.

They said their goodbyes and Beth poofed as fast as she could before he even had time to think about offering friendship.

Back in her secret changing room in the sky – Beth unpacked and re-sorted her Inventory until she calmed down, thankful there is nothing weird about her or her habits in any way at all…



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