Episode 52 - First Contact with the Lag Monster

Beth has been happily trudging around SL for a few weeks and has been picking up the local lingo. She now understands that things ‘rez’ into view (i.e. when she teleports into a new sim she is surrounded by amorphous brown and grey blobs which she can spend the next 10 minutes guessing about - will they will turn into trees, buildings, spaceships or a naked couple going at it like knives? Unfortunately, Beth's Operator does not have a gaming PC…) She also knows that things are made of ‘prims’, that dances come from pose balls and pose balls come from intans, and that it is often better to get a 'male casual walk' (or AO) unless you want your female avatar to move around like an oversexed prostitute on heat. She has also come to understand that just about any mistake is forgivable if you blame it on things being ‘laggy’.

So, Beth had heard about lag but was not sure if she had ever experienced it. Lag is a bit like ‘flu in that respect, lots of people say they have it and take a day off work. It is only after you have been laid up in bed for three days, so desperately ill you think your face is going to fall off and you’re crying for your “mummy” - that you realise EXACTLY what flu is all about. And so it wasn’t until the day the Lag Monster grabbed Beth by the derriere and dragged her into the torpid, stinking pit of Lag Hell did she comprehend just how torturously embarrassing the experience can be. This is what happened:

Beth had met up with a lovely woman who wanted to introduce her lovely friend who owned a lovely jewellery shop. The friend was indeed lovely, and so was his jewellery shop. In fact, the whole area was lovely and they were a lovely couple. When they invited her over to see the apartment Beth was delighted. She was not worried by any ‘dodgy’ thoughts as they were both so lovely. She simply determined to be on her best behaviour and have a lovely time.

Things started to go wrong on the short trip to the apartment. Beth's strange walk was proving stranger than usual. Sometimes she couldn't seem to move, and then she’d shoot forward moments later at great speed. Sometimes she would appear to have walked several yards, only to find herself in some sort of ‘instant replay’ mode with the distance she thought she had covered still to be traversed. Hoping for the best, Beth ignored the signs and ploughed on gamely. The next challenge was the security fence. To get to the apartment the three of them had to fly over an invisible barrier. Beth found her flying to be as seriously impaired as her walking. After a period of flashing around the middle distance like a bumble bee in need of an anger management course, the lovely couple took pity on her and sent her a teleport. The whoosh seemed to last an inordinate amount of time and when she arrived, Beth found she had real difficulties even turning from left to right. The lovely couple proceeded to show her around the lovely apartment. Beth was beginning to suspect some sort of a trick. She would aim for a door and it would move before she got there. She would enter a room only to discover she was actually still outside it. She would walk up a corridor to find herself trapped inside a pot plant that she swore had not been there moments ago. She apologised profusely to the lovely couple, who blamed it on lag.

So now Beth knew the nature of the technological crisis but, as usual, had no real idea of what to do about it. Much later she would learn tricks like ‘logoffandonagain’, reduce your screen size and turn off every single, little tiny application on your desktop. But for now Beth thought she must be trapped in an old episode of ‘The Avengers’. In some sort of perverse, twisting house of mirrors – unable even to communicate with the other two as local chat was only allowing her to type about one character a minute. The house continued to turn against her, mocking her feeble attempts to seek help and find a way out. She heard the words "Watch out for the hot tub" but had no concept of the vicinity of the object until she was splashing around and soaking the carpet. Finding herself at a complete loss as to how to clamber out of said hot tub, Beth tried to levitate with the fly button. She really should have known better. The next thing she knew she was careening about the apartment at head height, narrowly missing the christmas tree and ending up – somehow - halfway through a window pane wriggling like an insect trapped on a pin. Beth had reached terminal embarrassment. She can't remember how, but she got a message to the lovely couple and she tp-ed herself out. The whoosh took so long, she feared she had completely pixilated. But she made it back to her secret changing room in the sky, apparently in one piece. She logged out and Beth's Operator put her head between her knees and took some long, deep breaths. With great trepidation Beth logged back on again and spent long minutes apologising lamely to each member of the lovely couple. They seemed to understand. But Beth seriously doubted that she would be invited in for a cup of tea again.



Beth quickly genned up on anti-lagging tips until she felt she had sufficiently inoculated herself against future bouts. She was determined not to let the Lag Monster spoil her SL fun. After all, who knew what the *next* lovely couple might have in mind for her when inviting her back to their apartment? If Beth found herself wriggling like an insect on some future occasion, she certainly hopes it will be down to something far more interesting than the Lag Monster!